I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Randomize
