This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
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