you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
