dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
