You don't have asthma, your pregnant
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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