Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
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