I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
