Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
