I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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