I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
