i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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