I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
