I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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