She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
