i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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