i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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