dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
