You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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