he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
