I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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