My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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