My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
