remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
