Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
