I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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