I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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