remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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