I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
