I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
