I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
