I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
I'm really busy with my period
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