You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
