he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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