I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
