I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
