he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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