Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
