There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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