You made me cry and you don't even care
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
