Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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