i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
