i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
