seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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