This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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