So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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