I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Randomize
