Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
