I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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