just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
