i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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